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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23506477">woe is a creature as wretched as i am</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Sundays/pseuds/Blue_Sundays'>Blue_Sundays</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Team as Family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:00:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23506477</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Sundays/pseuds/Blue_Sundays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The mottled skin crawled its way from Judd’s feet and all the way up to his shoulders, curving around the edges of his scapula and stopping just shy of peeking out the sleeves of his henley. It seemed that even they knew that they were too ugly to be seen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>woe is a creature as wretched as i am</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>whoa, so i actually had time to edit my work before uploading it!</p>
<p>there are some discussions of racism and drug use in here, as well as talks about trans identity.</p>
<p>i have tried to be thorough in my research and respectful in my portrayal but if you feel anything doesn't quite work or misses the mark please let me know. writing is all about learning and sometimes i miss the mark - i'm happy to edit and change things but please be nice about it.</p>
<p>that being said, i hope you all enjoy x</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Grace was adamant that they reminded her of the milky white floral pattern on the lace curtains of her childhood home. Judd thought they looked more like the hideous scars of Frankenstein; thick and pale as they jutted out from Judd’s Texas burnt skin and hot to the touch no matter the weather outside. He hated them. The notion was blunt but true as ever with the way the horrid things turned angry red after a hot shower, the way they would itch and burn as harsh as the fire did initially. The mottled skin crawled its way from Judd’s feet and all the way up to his shoulders, curving around the edges of his scapula and stopping just shy of peeking out the sleeves of his henley. It seemed that even they knew that they were too ugly to be seen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She traced the scars with her fingers. Judd revelled in the way Grace would lightly touch the marred skin from his shoulders and gently kiss the knotted skin where the newly formed tissue fused with the damage. Sometimes she would hum along to Johnny Cash or Patsy Cline and if she was feeling particularly upbeat that night, Jackie Wilson. Her voice was smooth like caramel and as she ran her fingers through his hair, Judd would squeeze his eyes shut and try to imagine the feel of her fingers on his body. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The explosion had taken that away from him too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, she kissed each scar and whispered sweet nothings as Judd kept his eyes squarely on the ceiling. Where scars had once been something he had been proud to show off, now he couldn;t bear the sight of them. The motion of lifting his shirt up and proudly showing off the tainted skin and fighting over whose scar went deeper or looked uglier was something so foreign to him now. The thought left a sour taste in Judd’s mouth and caused his hands to shake like Granpop’s did in the last few years of his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No, these scars would remain concealed until he too was six feet under.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>1. Paul</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Judd had seen the scars by complete accident. The two horizontal scars that underlined Paul’s pectorals didn’t quite register at first. They didn’t quite look like what Judd had been expecting them too, and maybe that was part of the problem. He knew what they were from and in some ways Judd could understand why Paul kept them concealed underneath a tank top at all times. Judd had never been one to stick his nose into other people’s business. In his younger days the leather strap hung up on a hook outside the kitchen taught him that people would share only what they needed and to ask for more than what you were given would ensure a smack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, curiosity was a bitch that struck even the disinterested of people and for all that Judd kept his noseying to himself the day that Paul walked out from the showers with only a towel around his waist, and headed to the locker room instead of a cubicle, Judd couldn’t tear his eyes away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The scars weren’t particularly noticeable by any means. The scars themselves were several shades darker than Paul’s skin, a slight purple tinge to them and as symmetrical as any two scars could be. They suited him, Judd thought idly, and suppressed the strain of jealousy that prickled behind his eyes. Those scars were something to be proud of; something that screamed out to the world ‘I’m here!’ Judd felt a smile try to make its way onto his face and he looked up to meet Paul’s eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The younger man had a strange look on his face, one that Judd had not seen before and he quickly deduced that it was fear. Which, shit, no, that’s not what he meant! Judd’s palms sweated, he’d been working with Paul for over a month now he should know that Judd is fine with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd tapped his fingers on his thigh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Think fast</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Footsteps from outside the locker room smacked the ground and drew both Paul and Judd from their standoff. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>TK.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thank the Lord for little shits like TK, Judd thought as he allowed a smirk on his face and proclaimed loudly after TK.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Nice to see that </span>
  <em>
    <span>some </span>
  </em>
  <span>of us are hitting the gym, Strickland.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Paul visibly relaxed in front of him, a soft exhale from Paul’s mouth. Judd let the tension leave his shoulders and laughed as TK’s muffled voice echoed around the locker room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Asshole!’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A smile made its way onto Paul’s face and the younger man let out a loud belly laugh which couldn’t help but join in too. Phew, crisis averted. As the laughter settled between the two, Judd picked up his things and patted Paul on the shoulder as he made his way to one of the cubicle showers, still chuckling softly to himself. Perhaps one day, he too would grow the courage to show his scars like Paul.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>2. TK</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As far as Judd was concerned, TK Strand was more than just a closed book. He was a closed book locked inside a chest chained up with the thickest of chains. He could tell that as much as the kid tried to be open with Judd and the team, there was clearly more to his story than he let on. Judd was hoping that one of these days the youngest Strand would feel comfortable enough to let them in on those extra details; the things that made TK, well, TK. Unfortunately life didn’t work that way, and the opportunity to let them in revealed itself far sooner than expected, and out of TK’s control. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The scars were small circular concaves that sporadically covered TK’s legs and inside his upper arms. Judd thought that they resembled cigarette burns but as far as Judd could tell, TK had had a happy childhood. At least, he’d never indicated to anything that would leave him a reason to have the burns. The scars themselves weren’t particularly noticeable, not even the ones that decorated the inside of TK’s arms. Judd had never really noticed until now, with the captain’s son conked out on the sofa and the cuff of his trousers rolled up so that the circular scarring just peeked out from underneath the trouser leg. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’d been teasing TK and discussing the use of a permanent marker when Marjan pointed them out. A somber mood had fallen upon the group and Paul had quickly suggested that they pull the cuffs back down and let TK tell them in their own time when Mateo pointed out the scars that lined TK’s arms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Are they cigarette burns or something?’ Mateo whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I’m not sure but like Paul said, let’s leave it for now.’ Marjan said as she rolled the cuff back down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd prided himself on keeping his nose out of other people’s business but the scars made themselves a permanent presence in his mind and he knew he would be restless until he spoke to TK. The kid was leaning back against the kitchen counter; purple bruises under his eyes and the unmistakable clench of a jaw. He hadn’t seemed to notice Judd walk in yet, and Judd was content to watch the younger Strand when he thought no one was looking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>TK’s fingers drummed an unrehearsed rhythm on the countertop and his eyes darted from tile to tile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘TK?’ Judd called out finally, an uneasy feeling had begun to settle in his stomach as the younger man jumped, clearly uncomfortable with his restless being caught. TK hunched his shoulders ever-so-slightly before straightening out, the movement so subtly that had Judd not been paying close attention, he would have missed it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Yeah Judd?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd tentatively took a step towards TK, careful not to tower above him. He looked down at his hands; fingers idly fiddling with the calloused skin of his knuckles. Judd took a deep breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Well, uh, you see, you was sleeping earlier and the team saw something that I think you should know about.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words were difficult to get out, like Judd was treading on blue ice that steadily cracking under the weight of each word. He shifted awkwardly under TK’s curious gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘What?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Them scars on your arms and legs.’ Judd said as he nodded his head towards TK’s arms. ‘The team’s wanting to know what they’re from. Thought you should know.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>TK’s expression darkened and he chewed on his bottom lip, the tip of his teeth almost sharp enough the draw blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Do you know?’ TK whispered, his hand brushed against the sleeve of his other arm and toyed with the cuff. Truth be told, Judd knew exactly what they were from. He’d been a firefighter for nearly twenty years, working the night shifts in back alleys and seedy bars. But this was TK’s secret to tell and Judd wouldn’t push if TK wasn’t ready.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘No.’ Judd said, and watched as TK sagged in relief against the counter. ‘Listen, TK, you don;t had to tell us now - or ever what they’re from. But you just know that we’re all here for you okay? I’m here.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>TK nodded, a ghost of a smile on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Okay.’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>3. Marjan</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps the most surprising of his new team was Marjan. Strong and fearless, Judd had yet to see her shed a tear or look at death with a face that portrayed any other emotion that was fearless. She was, in all sense of the words, a fucking badass. Which was why the soft sniffles and stifled hiccoughing sobs that echoed from behind the ladder truck were such a shock to hear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd had heard the sniffles on his way up to the rec room. He’d just finished folding a hose up when the sounds reached his ears. He looked around for a moment, trying to decipher where the noise was coming from. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There it was again; another small sob echoing around the now empty station floor. The sound seemed to grow louder the closer Judd got to the firetruck. Lo and behold, there she was; curled up between the rear of the ladder truck and the wall. If Judd hadn’t been looking he wouldn’t have found her at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan’s shirt  was untucked and loose  hair poked out of her hijab. Judd hesitated. Should he ignore this? Walk away? Marjan’s smudged mascara and tear-stained cheeks said otherwise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Everythin’ okay?’ he asked as he crouched down next to her in the small space. Marjan let out a wet laugh and gently began to tuck the stray hairs back into her hijab. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Yeah.’ she raised her arms in mock surrender and pointed to the tear tracks on her cheeks. ‘Everything is peachy.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘You, uh, you don’t have to talk about it, but my door’s always open.’ Judd fiddled with his hands, unsure of how to go on. Pump up talks he could do. Pull yourself together talks, Judd could definitely do. But this? This was more of Grace’s forte. Judd’s comforting ability only worked on Grace so this was new territory and Judd wasn’t sure how best to offer it to the only female in his core team.  They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, tension high and both unsure of how to deal with the situation before Judd remember the packet of tissues in his top pocket. He pulled the blue packet out and smiled as he handed one to Marjan, who accepted it with a sad smile. She ripped the packet open and blew her nose, the tissue leaving her nose free of makeup. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I feel so stupid crying over nothing.’ she said after a while. Her voice cracked as she finally spoke. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, that was the problem then. Their final call. An old woman in her early seventies had called them in when she had accidentally started a fire in her kitchen. Nothing too big but Owen had ordered Marjan to take the woman’s vitals and perform a primary survey on her before the paramedic team arrived. Judd had been too busy putting out flames but he had heard through Mateo that the old bag had refused Marjan’s help. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘It’s not stupid, you know that right?’ Judd shuffled awkwardly in his place and faced Marjan. ‘Your job is to help people and I can’t imagine how shitty and fucked up it must feel when someone refuses to accept it.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan’s shoulders began to shake and her eyes welled up, she lifted a hand up to her eyes and angrily wiped a stray tear away. The sight left a heavy weight in Judd’s chest and he felt his own eyes begin to prickle too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Come ‘ere.’ Judd pulled Marjan into an awkward side hug, his large frame engulfing hers almost entirely. ‘Sometimes the world gets to us and that’s okay, you know. We don’t need to be strong all the time.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan shook harder in his arms and Judd’s shirt grew wetter. He tightened his grip around her as her hands gripped at his shoulders. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there like that with Judd gently rocking her back and forth. Long enough for his bottom to go numb but not quite long enough for the rest of the team to come looking for them. When the shaking finally stopped Marjan slowly released herself from Judd’s grip and let out a wet laugh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Oh no, I’ve got snot all over your shirt.’ she said, as she sniffled and pulled a tissue out to wipe it. Judd gently grabbed her hand before she could reach over to do so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘The shirt don’t matter. What matters is that you know how much of a fucking badass you are, and how much I and everyone else here admire you, okay?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan didn’t say anything, instead she stared down at her hands where the stray tissue was still held tight in her grip. Judd sighed deeply and lifted her chin so that her eyes met his. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and upset when assholes like that lady don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. People like her are not the ones risking their lives, you are. I just want you to know how much you are appreciated in this firehouse, yeah?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan nodded, her lip quivering as a small smile made its way onto her face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Yeah.’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>4. Mateo</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The phone came around four in the afternoon. A strange electronic song emitted from their youngest recruits pocket - EDM was it called? Judd wasn't sure, he couldn’t name it even if the survival of the human race depended on it. There were groans of frustration as the tune interrupted a very thrilling episode of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chicago Fire </span>
  </em>
  <span>and teasing snorts from others as Mateo excitedly jumped up from his place on the sofa in the rec room and cheerily answered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Hey Mama.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their bright eyed young rookie had a grin on his face as he leaned on the kitchen counter  just far enough out of the way that Judd couldn’t quite hear what he was saying. It was easy enough to know where the conversation was going as Mateo’s smile slowly began to disappear. Judd’s stomach churned - it wasn’t often that Mateo lost the spark in his eyes. Soon enough, the cheeriness had completely dissipated and Judd decided that he’d waited long enough. Something about seeing their young rookie so unhappy made him worried. By the time Judd had stood up from his place in front of the communal TV, Mateo’s head was in his hands and his voice cracked in a language that Judd didn’t understand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Okay Mama. I love you.’ Mateo said eventually as he ended the call. Mateo let out a deep breath and rested his head on the counter without even acknowledging Judd’s presence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Everythin’ alright Mateo?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mateo made no move to answer him. Whatever the phone call was about, it must have been bad if Mateo was still yet to acknowledge his presence. It felt wrong to leave the kid alone when he was clearly in distress and if Mateo wasn’t ready to talk then Judd would respect that. Still, Judd couldn’t stand the silence that had descended upon them and so he did what he did best. Talk shit. No, not the kind of bullfuckery, teasing words that the team was accustomed to but rather the kind of rambling nonsense that filled gaps in conversations and earned a laugh or two from whomever was listening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Y’know back when I was a kid, me and my brothers, Timmy and Donny, we used to get into all kinds of shit.’ Judd piped up, cautiously glancing at Mateo to see whether he’d moved from his place on the counter. He hadn’t but Judd could see the tell-tale sign of a pricked ear, so he pressed on. ‘My momma hated it.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I remember this one time, my youngest brother Timmy was trying to get with this girl, Brenda or Barbara or whatever. She was this sweet lil thing and Timmy was really falling for her. So much so that me and Donny used to rip the heck out of him. This one time, Timmy was getting all dolled up to ask this girl to the spring dance and he was this lil nervous wreck. Momma loved that.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘She was real proud that her youngest was growing up and Donny and I, well thought we’d help him out y’know. See Momma had this tradition where she used to make us all wear Daddy’s old suit at our first spring dance. And this time it was Timmy’s turn -’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd paused and looked up from where he was eyeing the fridge and found that Mateo had now turned towards him, cheek still pressed against the cool countertop but at least his eyes were on Judd. A hint of a smile was on the younger man’s face and he nodded for Judd to continue on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Well, this time it was Timmy’s turn and believe me that suit was the grossest thing I’d ever seen. One of those proper tuxedo things that was probably about nine times too big for Timmy. And we couldn’t have lil Timmy courting Brenda or whatever her name was in that wreck of a thing so Donny and I decided to fix it. We patched up all the holes and shit and tried to make it fit as good as on Timmy. See cause as much as I loved to rip the shit outta him, I wanted him to do well y’know.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘What happened?’ Mateo asked when Judd finally stopped rambling long enough for him to get the question in and Judd felt a relief pool into his shoulders and throughout his body at the sound of Mateo’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Turns out Donny and I weren’t too good at sewing and my Momma was pissed at us for ruining Daddy’s old suit. But she was proud of us too.  Said that as much as we were idiots she could see that we were only trying to help our baby brother out.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Your mom sounds amazing.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Yeah, she was.’ Judd said, smiling at the memory. He turned around to look properly at Mateo. The tension seemed to have disappeared from his shoulders and the lines on his forehead had gone too. Still, there was a nagging feeling that Mateo was only pretending that Judd’s story relaxed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Hey, are you really doing okay kid?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mateo tensed up again and sighed as he looked down at the counter to avoid Judd’s gaze. Judd knew that Mateo was a lot younger than him but it was times like these when Mateo curled in on himself that really made the difference truly noticeable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘My abuela is sick.’ Mateo said after a while, his voice cracking. ‘And I can’t go home to see her because if I do they won’t let me back into America.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Shit, kid no wonder you’re upset. There’s absolutely nothing you can do?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mateo exhaled deeply and rubbed his temple with his fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘No, I’ve looked into literally everything and no matter what I do or what the circumstance is, I’ll be gone for good.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, no wonder the kid looked like he did. Judd studied the younger man. His normally tanned skin was now sporting a pale sheen and the corners of his mouth were downturned as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was reminded just how much their golden retriever of a rookie had been through. Judd couldn;t imagine not being able to go home and seeing Mateo’s distress hurt more than he’d like to admit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was then that something seemed to click. Perhaps there was a reason that Judd had told the story of Timmy. Timmy was a lawyer. Okay, he was a medical lawyer but surely he could at the very least find some loopholes or direct Mateo to someone who did know the loopholes? A small smile forced its way onto Judd’s face and Mateo’s brows furrowed as he noticed the older man’s excitement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘What? What is it?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd’s smile widened and he could feel himself almost vibrating in his seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Timmy just so happens to be a lawyer. I can see if he might be able to help you out, maybe find a couple of loopholes?’ Judd said as he pulled his phone from his pocket and a stray pen and paper from one of the kitchen drawers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Really?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Really!’ Judd ripped the paper from the notepad and brushed the top of Mateo’s hair as he stood up from his seat and handed the note over. ‘Give him a call. Tell him that you’re from the 126 and that I gave his number, okay?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Yeah, thanks Judd.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Anytime. Don’t mention it kid.’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>+1</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As the months dragged on and the heat of Summer cooled down into the duskier days of Autumn, Judd had found himself daring to call the 126 a family. With TK, Mateo, Paul and Marjan making themselves a place in Judd’s heart as his younger brothers and sister, and Judd becoming almost like a second father to him - a place he hadn’t expected when he’d first met Owen Strand. Judd had never outright told them of these feelings that had manifested during the long twenty-four hour shifts and nights spent at the local bar. Still, they knew now that Judd was a man of few words and he knew that somehow they understood that he’d come to see them in such a way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The scar situation was still a problem though. Eight months in and he’d yet to even start a conversation about the aftermath of that night. The cars weren’t something that could be easily hidden for such a long period of time and Judd was sure that they’d caught on to the secret showers and concealed shoulders even in the face of a heatwave. The team knew, they had to. Judd could tell that they were growing curious; they had all opened up to him in one way or another, demonstrating just how much they trusted him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the thought of the jutted scars made him feel sick to his stomach and even more so the thought of the team seeing the damn things brought bile to his throat and a shake to his hands. Which was why it was just his luck that they would see them like this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>*</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Juddson Ryder, I hope you’re not gonna keep all that popcorn to yourself.’ Grace raised her eyebrows up at Judd and gave him a cheeky smile. Judd looked down at the half empty popcorn container and sheepishly held it out to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Of course not, Grace.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Grace smiled and shook her head with a laugh as she grabbed a handful of the buttery popcorn. Travis County Fete was teaming with people and families of all shapes and sizes. Long queues snakes out from rides and venor called out to them as they walked past; $2 hot dogs, $4.50 toffee apples and $8 for rides. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hot sun beat down on them and Judd pulled his hat to cover his eyes from the rays. The 126 had agreed to meet up in front of the ferris wheel so that they could enjoy the rodeo together - an event that Judd and Grace, and Michelle had highly recommended the Austin newcomers to watch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Hey, look there’s TK.’ Grace said, pointing over to a small stall where Carlos was throwing darts at balloons while TK cheered him on, the big purple teddy bear in their sights. They waved at the happy couple as they walked past, noticing that the rest of the 126 had congregated outside of the ferris wheel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Good to see you guys.’ Judd said upon arriving. ‘How are y’all enjoying it?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘This place is great.’ Owen piped up in that excited manner that he always seemed to carry. ‘I managed to win a free vegan hot dog and if you don’t mind I’d like to cash that in before we head down to the rodeo.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Sure thing, Cap.’  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Owen gestured to the group to follow him along, seeing as the hot dog stand was on the way. They walked in a big group, bumping shoulders and laughing boisterously as they ignored the dirty looks thrown their way. Mateo spoke excitedly that his abuela had recovered from her illness; he hadn’t been able to go and visit her but Timmy had referred him onto another lawyer to work on it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All in all, things were going well. A little too well in Judd’s eyes which was why when he heard the scream Judd didn’t so much as jump at the sound. He looked around for the source of the noise and saw that a large crowd had gathered around one of the vending stands. He couldn’t quite see what was happening in between the circle that had gathered but the mothers covering their children’s eyes and cries of help were enough for him to run through the crowd ahead of the team.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She must’ve only been sixteen or seventeen years old working a summer job to save up for college. The hot oil from one of the fryers had splashed back onto her uniform, which was made out of a material that was highly flammable and certainly not up to hospitality industry regulations.  The second the hot oil spat back and landed on the sleeve she’d gone up in flames. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And now here he was. His flannel shirt wrapped tightly around the girl as she screamed in his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Shhh, you’re okay.’ Judd whispered as Michelle checked vitals and Owen called for an onsite medic. She would be okay. Luckily the material had prevented any serious burns; they would take time to heal but she would be scarless. And with that thought Judd shivered, suddenly aware how exposed he was to everyone in the crowd - team included. He could see the redness of his arms and knew that his scars would stand out harshly against it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bile rose up in his throat and Judd forced the bitter liquid back down. He could feel the heavy gazes of the 126 as they eyed off the marks but Judd kept his eyes trained on the girl in his arms. She’d calmed down in the five minutes it’d been since Judd had all but tackled her to the ground with his flannel. Her mascara had formed tear tracks down her cheeks and her bottom lip quivered. She reached out a hand and gently stroked the pinched up skin on his shoulder, fingers smooth and the rough edges of the skin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd held his breath. His hair stood up on his arms as she followed the scar past his shoulders and across to his abdomen.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Thank you.’ she croaked out eventually.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘They’re from the explosion aren’t they?’ TK asked him the next day as he shoved a coffee cup under the espresso machine. The tell tale noise of grinding coffee halted Judd’s answer and he watched intently as the grinding stopped and brown sludge spurted from the spout. Judd had taken extra care to wear an undershirt during this shift and hoped, in vain, that the subject would never be brought up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘You know they are.’ he said, and promptly grabbed the sugar he’d come for before retreating to an armchair in the rec room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could feel the eyes of his teammates follow him around the room, he might have been wearing extra layers but he’d never felt more exposed than he did now. Judd curled his hand tighter around the sugar packets and slammed his coffee mug down with more force than necessary. The loud clang seemed to wake everybody up and they quickly averted their eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Judd was one for wearing headphones he would have put them in the second his shift started and not taken them out until he was back home in Grace’s arms. But Judd was not one for headphones and so he’d settled for reading Jon McGregor’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Reservoir 13 </span>
  </em>
  <span>in the hopes that the 126 would pick up on his mood and leave him alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd really needed to lower his expectations. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not even ten minutes into reading his novel, Judd tore his eyes away from the page to find TK, Paul, Mateo and Marjan standing in front of him. They shuffled back and forth on their feet, fiddled with their fingers and avoided the glares he sent them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘What?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marjan sighed and leaned down. She pressed a hand to his knee and dear lord he couldn't do this. Judd made to stand up, ready to heave past them all and find a quiet crevice alone but Marjan was much stronger than she looked and one hard stare from Paul had him sitting back down in the armchair once more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I know you probably feel super exposed and violated right now.’ Marjan started. ‘But we need you to know that although we may not understand what you went through, those scars are a part of you. They map your journey and they’re nothing to be ashamed of.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘They’re hideous.’ Judd said, his voice cracked as the words escaped his mouth without his permission. Mateo rested a hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Judd, they’re not hideous.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘No, Judd, they’re a part of you and you are such a strong part of this team.’ Paul said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I can’t stand to look at them.’ he looked around at the four members he’d come to love. ‘I see them and all I see is my failure to save them.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd felt his eyes prickle and before he had a chance to stifle it a sob escaped his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I can’t stand them because I don't know what I’d do with myself if the same thing happened again.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Judd rested his head in his hands and pressed the inside of his palms to his eyes so hard that stars exploded behind his eyelids. He felt a weight on top of him and as he squinted his eyes open he realised that the weight was his team gathered around him. Marjan had her arms around his waist, TK had pulled his head into his chest, and Paul and Mateo had surrounded him completely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps he would forego the undershirt for his next shift but for now he was content to stay wrapped up in the arms of his family.</span>
</p>
<p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments and kudos are always appreciated. i love to hear feedback so please let me know your thoughts :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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